Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.