I put the I in Insufferable.
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
True
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
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Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!