I put the I in Insufferable.
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Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
is it earth
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.