I put the I in Insufferable.
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Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]