I put the I in Insufferable.
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
