Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
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You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
File under excellent bookstore names.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.