I put the mess in domestic.
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Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.