I put the mess in domestic.
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……