I put the mess in domestic.
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My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi