I’m not average. I’m mean.
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Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people