I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
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Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
What a website
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.