I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
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*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen