I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
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Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.