I put the p in pants.
You Might Also Like
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Livid.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too