I put the “pro” in inappropriate
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Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
We avoided this particular disaster
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Florida be like…
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.