Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

Become ungovernable.

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.