Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh no

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.