Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.