I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
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I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming