Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.