Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it