I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
You Might Also Like
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
San Francisco has too many rules
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.