I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
You Might Also Like
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Bill is short for Billiam
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
oppen heimer style lol
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Breaking news:
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it