I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.