I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
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I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Ha
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”