Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.