I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
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I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns