Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.