*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
It was worth a shot 😂
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.