Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

oppen heimer style lol

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

i love modern commerce

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.