Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Worth the read.

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey