I fall more in love with you each day, well, except yesterday. Yesterday you were really freakin’ annoying.
I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.
“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[tossing a coin into a wishing well]
me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.