Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

Day 2 of my diet

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

wishing you and yours all the best

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.