Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.