I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
🍛
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”