I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Bruh PLEASE
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery