Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *