I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
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Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
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Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it