i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
You Might Also Like
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
they split up moments later
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan