i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
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My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I’m sorry…what?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.