i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Plant care tips
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
#SuperBowl
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”