I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
You Might Also Like
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Now colored!
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.