I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
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[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
They got a point!
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.