Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes