I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
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WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.