I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
You Might Also Like
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon