I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
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An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
☠️☠️☠️
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Okay this one takes it home
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work