I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
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The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*