I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
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priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Bill is short for Billiam
everyone has that one prude friend
