Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

Genius idea!!

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!

Date: 🙂

Fig: 🙁

Prune: bro, lol