Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Investing in beetcoin

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Smells like a challenge to me

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area