I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
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“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
why neck hurt
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.