I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
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The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Monday Lisa
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
#Caturday
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.