I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
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My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
screw you
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?