Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

[chopped]

Judge 1: this is disgusting

Judge 2: the chicken is raw

Judge 3: why are there froot loops

[the rat under my hat starts biting me]

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination