Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

So, can we agree on 4 or

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.