I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
You Might Also Like
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”