I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
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Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.