Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

I don’t get marriage

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work

me: hm ok. any other options?

company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho

me: uhh

company: try simply tapping your card

me: but does it-

company: this has NEVER worked

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.