Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

Why does laundry happen to good people?

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

dads on road-trips be like

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning