I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
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#SaturdayBears
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Pro tip for my good boys out there
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
ACED my prostate exam!