I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
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Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
me working on my assignments ^-^
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.