I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
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The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I never needed anything more in my life
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)