I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
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Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.