I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
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BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.