I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
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[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
why I oughta
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls