I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.

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Obama: I’m going to miss living in the White Hou-
Biden: DUUUDE look at my roll!
Obama: MAAAN is that UR Kotori?


Bread goes in, toast comes out. EXPLAIN THAT, ATHEISTS!


wife: we should go before you saying something stupid
me: ok
wife: [to widow] lovely funeral service
me: yeah lets do this again sometime


vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish


Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?”

Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”


Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.


[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?


My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.


Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.