YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.
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Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Nothing cures a hangover like a positive pregnancy test.
[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter]
Him: Hey sweetie how’ve you been?
Her: I have a boyfriend
*my daughter and I high five*
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.