Obama: I’m going to miss living in the White Hou-
Biden: DUUUDE look at my roll!
Obama: MAAAN is that UR Kotori?
I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.
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Bread goes in, toast comes out. EXPLAIN THAT, ATHEISTS!
wife: we should go before you saying something stupid
wife: [to widow] lovely funeral service
me: yeah lets do this again sometime
My husband and I are fighting. There’s about a 50 50 chance he knows.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?”
Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”
Me: Better late than never!
M: Seeing red?
M: Go with the flow!
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.