I quit watching awards shows, because I never win anything.

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Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single


[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter]

Him: Hey sweetie how’ve you been?

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: lmao

*my daughter and I high five*


Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds


The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.


Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.


*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do


“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.