i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
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When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.