i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
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[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.