“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.