“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.