“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
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Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
What even happened today?
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?