I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
You Might Also Like
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!